Be Honest With Me... For Real

Sometimes the silence is deafening

“all I am is literature, and I am not able or willing to be anything else” - Franz Kafka

I’ve been told quite a lot that I should do better at voicing my problems, but to that I say - screw you. 90% of people that scream that are the ones lacking in said department. I do what I do best, I write. I haven’t uploaded anything since October 2024, and to that you may wonder, well isn’t that ironic? Possibly. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I did. Many times. I sat in front of a blank screen and watched it for hours. Unable to form a single thought in my head into a coherent sentence that was anything other than a scream. But now that 6 months have gone by, I feel like some things are starting to come out easier from my mind. The ink is flowing onto the paper more smoothly, if you will.

Grief, anger, sadness is just one of those things that truly hinder us from our ability to function normally. I have gone through worse grief in my life time, but the last 6 months were a different kind of emotional rollercoaster I can’t explain even if I tried. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise and for that I am grateful. But more on grief etc, ey?

I believe when you think you are being too nice, just stop. When you try to stop yourself from fully feeling the rage and sadness you feel, it only ever festers in you. And as a result the concept of moving on, becomes a pipe dream. When people believe they owe you nothing in the way they hurt you, please remember you don’t owe them civility or decency any longer. If your rage is what they deserve, have at it.

Now the specifics of said anger, sadness, grief are not important in the slightest. If anything, it is insignificant. Because they no longer roam about in my life to matter anymore. What only matters is the shattered pieces left behind; the ones you pick up yourself, and spend months carefully glueing back together. Yet no matter how hard you try, the cracks are there for everyone to see. You walk away a completely different person.

Usually such an influx of emotion would be the catalyst for me to write like crazy. Yet this time, even that was taken from me. This time I dealt with grief in a way I usually wouldn’t. I took 50 steps back and I went silent. For someone who is usually quite loud in nature, this was difficult to say the least. I said my piece and I turned away. This was something my mum would always tell me to do, and I never understood how that felt right in her heart to do. She always says, ‘your silence is the biggest lesson you can teach them.’ For the first time in my life, I understood it. Because no matter how loud you advocate for yourself, if people cannot tell the difference between right and wrong, nothing you say will fix that.

This issue goes so much deeper than I care to explain, around 8 years too deep. We’ve all been there. Fallen for the wrong person. Trusted the wrong person. Gave them the benefit of the doubt too much. And now here I am, at the age of 26 trying to navigate my life with very little trust left to give to anyone new. Going about every single day like the last 6 months didn’t happen. Like the last 8 years never happened in fact. Because that’s the only way I have figured out to function. That’s the only way, I wake up every day, get ready for the day, go to work, see my friends, laugh with them.

I’ve spent so much time thinking and wanting to escape. Go somewhere no one knows who I am. Where I don’t have to look at people that break my heart all over again every time I see them. I wish I could choose a different path in life, but this was the one bestowed upon me. We make of it what we can, and I like to believe there’s a silver lining in everything.

But we’re writing again. And that’s what matters. I don’t feel like smashing my laptop against a wall every time I struggled to write a sentence anymore. The thoughts are coherent once again, and I’ve turned all the hurt I felt in my chest into something I can use.

I actually want to personally thank Billie Eilish because HMHAS really stopped me from smashing the wall or something. Wildflower was on repeat for a tad too long.

Alas, c’est la vie or whatever the French say! I am hopefully back, with more consistent musings from a girl living in London. Whether that be, relationships, friendships, recommendations. Or whatever you care to see me yap about.

Forever and Always here to be honest with you…

Denise x