I’ve been thinking a lot about the way we keep our silences. Stay quiet on topics we don’t want to get involved in, or away from people we don’t want to interact with. In that I find myself asking the question ‘is it better to speak, or to die?’
Unfortunately, there’s no real answer. Life has a way of throwing trials and tribulations at us, testing our patience and endurance. Now this question is multi layered, like an onion, if you will.
Layer 1: Is it better to keep the way we feel inside, never really truly revealing our inner thoughts to anyone?
This goes both ways, do I never tell someone how I feel about them, for example. Or do I never voice the way I am hurting constantly and keep it all in. It feels, in this context, it should be better to speak out. To share feelings, with trusted people, giving people you love the honesty they deserve.
It will most likely lead to you feeling a lot more relaxed and relieved as it would be like a weight off your shoulder. We form friendships and relationships on the basis we can speak and communicate anything. Without fear of judgement. When we fail to live by these rules is when we allow ourselves to fall into a pit of our own design, unable to claw our way out of it.
Layer 2: Is it better to never speak to someone who has hurt you rather than doing the tango of civility around each other?
This one has always been a difficult concept for me. Only because I am way too balanced and choose to understand every perspective before coming to a decision. And in that regard, I disregard me. To me, it is clear this idea aligns with holding grudges. Or something to that effect. As someone who dislikes grudges, I’ve always found it extremely hard to stay mad, upset or hurt enough with people to cut them out completely.
However, in recent times, I have learnt a valuable lesson. There is so much intimacy in silence. A lot more than a conversation can hold. The art of the unspoken word carries your feelings and pain a lot more than you can imagine. Sometimes words, explanations or arguments aren’t enough to get your thoughts and feelings across. Sometimes all people want out of you is reaction and spite. I’ve found that silence was my greatest tool to make my point. It was enough. After years of relying on how I articulate my thoughts, I found something that finally put me at ease. Pure silence.
You may ask, what about forgiving and forgetting? What about not holding any hate in your heart? What about freeing yourself from such torment? To that I say, some things are unforgivable, some situations have no turning point. Some people don’t have to say in your life for the sake of peace. Sometimes it’s better to turn your back on them completely and continue along your own path. The unfortunate lesson I have learnt here is that, silence has been the only thing that’s allowed me to live my life without constant reminders of the hurt I have felt in the past.
A day may come where people are forgiven, and in a way that is a healthy approach. But that doesn’t give this person or that person the right to re-enter your life. Therefore dear reader, allow your silence to be your loudest point.
Layer 3: Is it better to sit with unresolved feelings and never gain closure?
I guess in a way, this layer links to the first two. Everyone is deserving of closure and moving on. Everyone deserves to live a full and happy life whilst being mindful of those around them.
Maybe closure is overrated though. Maybe it only ends up setting you back rather than allowing you to move forward. Sometimes another exchange of dialogue gives you more reason to sit and ponder. This layer is more about the person contextually rather the principle of closure and how we gain it. There is some of us that prefer a direct spoken form of closure. Whereas those of us whom take silence as the closure itself.
So which is it? Is it better to speak, or to die?
There’s no real answer is there. Because you know what the right answer is for you. You know what needs to be said, and what can remain in the shadows to disappear into a void.
I’m just a girl sitting here debating the question for the sake of an argument, trying to tell myself what the right or wrong answer is.
You know whether it is better to speak, or to die; you don’t need me to tell you.