Life is Fun with a Crush
Because what else gets you going?
Before anyone comes for my neck, I’m not saying having a crush is the only thing that makes life fun. But it does make everything… colourful. Every interaction, every look, every conversation shared engraves itself into your heart.
It’s been so long since I even had a crush (except for Harry Styles, he doesn’t count). I forgot what it felt like to yearn for someone that wasn’t necessarily that easy to attain. For whatever means that may be. Or butterflies? I forgot what butterflies felt like!? How it affects your whole being to be so enamoured by another person.
I truly didn’t think I’d see the day where I would have a crush again. A once dull world, is all of a sudden full of colour. Everything seems brighter. Whether the crush leads to something or it never blooms at all; having the crush in the first place feels like a win. Actually wanting to speak to a man, like voluntarily, without getting bored? It’s a miracle truly. If you don’t know by now, I find it hard to bring myself to date at all. So developing a crush after… god knows how long, feels new but good. Wanting but not being able to be near them? Or letting them plague your mind all day long? God, I feel sick.
Now by all means, will I actively do something about it? I’m not sure. I don’t see a point per se for numerous reasons I won’t bore you with. One of them being, I can’t bring myself to ever make a move. Yes, it’s irrational, but I can’t overcome it so sue me! Because what if they’re appalled? What if my feelings were misguided? What if, what if, what if!? I am also aware on the flip side you can say; but what if it works out!? I am very aware of that option too, but I just won’t do it!
This crush has creeped up on me; it’s taken me almost A YEAR to figure out what the hell it is I am feeling. I spent so long feeling quite literally nothing for men that I found it so hard to pinpoint what exactly was so different about this. What was it that kept me gravitating?
What really matters here is not the man at the receiving end of said crush - not in a mean way - but it’s the fact I have the crush. It’s the fact I look forward to interactions. I thought I was left too traumatised from my last relationship to ever develop a crush again. Ever since I realised I have crush, I smile and laugh more. AND I KNOW! I am not relying on another human being to be happy, I am happy regardless of having a crush. It just amplifies all the emotions I was already feeling. It makes the trees greener and the sun warmer on my skin. My mind is working faster, I feel like my creativity multiplies by the hundreds.
Silly right? The way someone else’s existence can have such power over you. I’m not entirely sure what will come of this crush. Maybe it will go away in 3 days or 3 months. Maybe it will blossom. Maybe it’s an EXTREMELY slow burner. I will have to live through it to see the outcome. Though I doubt there will be much to tell dear reader. Which saddens me to say.
I’m just happy to feel my heart beat a little faster for the first time in almost a decade. I’ve missed feeling excitement. As a hopeless romantic, I was worried I had become dead inside. That would’ve been my worst nightmare, to go through life without feeling romantic love in my heart. Alas, there seems to be some kind of movement! My heart isn’t at risk of going dormant anytime soon!
To all of you, who are currently crushing hard, hold onto the feeling! There’s nothing quite like it.